Moving ON is difficult

My heart was shattered, broken into thousands of pieces. Years of love forgotten in a single day. Unimaginable pain in the heart, the cage of sorrow, meaning of life lost. Yes, I was there too.

He was gone and I was still there. I was barely living. Breathing was difficult without him around. I had to understand that he is never gonna come back.

You must know, they will never come back. If they were coming back they would have never left. I know it is damn hard to think about your life without them. We got to hold on to that hope of getting better. Trust me when I say you deserve better and you will get better.

I was in the same place and was there for a very long period. After months, I decided that I will live day by day. It was hard, very hard. But I was firm, I was stubborn, I was confident that I can make it. I started doing things that were never on my list because I didn’t have time. Slowly, I started living again.

And then he walked in, I didn’t this kind of existed. I deserved to be loved so much. I finally understand that they leave because you deserve better. You are gonna get something that you never thought existed.

Get up and live this life. It is beautiful.

 

 

With you in it, life is beautiful

When I first saw you in that moss t-shirt, you took my breath away, you still do every single day.

You seem like a missing puzzle piece of my life. You made my life complete when you walked in it.

With you in it, life is beautiful again.

In this sea of people, my eyes search only for you. The twinkle in your eyes brings the long lost smile in me.

You feel like a happy dream to me that I wish never to end. Life is once again a beautiful journey and has found its meaning.

With you in it, life is beautiful again.

Yes, I miss you

I miss the twinkle in your eyes

I miss your fingers on mine

I miss your hand to hold onto

I miss your smell when you hold me from behind

I miss the warmth when you wrap me up in your arms

I miss the peace of lying beside you

I miss the hand that acts as a pillow

I miss the passion of our kiss

I miss the touch of your lips on me

I miss seeing you constantly

You may be just feet apart

But yes, I miss you

 

I realized ‘Self-love’ because of you

I am falling for you a little more every day. I hear your voice and my heart dances with joy. I wish I can hear you all day long. It is not your look that made me like you, it is your mind that I am so fond of. You show me a different perspective altogether. You made me question my beliefs. You make every worry look so easy. You make me believe that I am the best. It might surprise you but you helped me in getting this overconfidence back.

You made me realize that why self-love is so important. It is okay to be different and not following the stereotype. Why I should think of my happiness first instead of doing things that others expect me to do. Why I should not worry about what others think about me and live the way I want. You always said that I worry about others and instantly I used to deny it but it was so true. I didn’t even realize when I started living only for myself. I was answerable not to anyone but me. Today I am a much stronger person and this self-love is all because of you.

Why you have to be far far away??

The pain I feel is unexplainable. I feel frustrated because I do not get to see you daily. I feel irritated because I cannot run to you and kiss you. I feel angry because you left me here and went away. I don’t like talking to anyone unless it’s you. Why you had to be so charming that now I cannot manage to live on my own.

It took a long time to get a hold of my life. People always saw me as a strong and carefree girl. No one knew the pain I was in until you came along. You walked in my life as the first ray of sunlight after a long dark night. When I first spoke to you in that bus I felt I can feel some kind of peace. Ever since I have felt my pain going a little away every day. This peace started replacing the darkness in me.

 

My pink walls

I sit here in my room with pink walls staring at me yet again. They have been with me when I cry out loud, they see me when I lie down and tears roll down. They have seen me taking the road to darkness. My path to this darkness is been slow but only my pink walls have noticed it. They stood silently when I was hungry but this sea of sorrow didn’t allow me to eat. My walls know my fear when I decide to not to sleep. They were their when I woke up from my night mares. They see through me when I pretend to be strong. They acted as a true friend who silently heard my problems, felt my pain, saw me cry and notice my plunge in this darkness.

My walls live in this darkness with me. My only companion in this never ending pain.

And I walked away

Stage 1: I kiss him I touch him I want to love him I wish to hug him tight

Stage 2: I expect the same I wish to be loved I wish to be pampered I wish to be his princess

Stage 3: Expectations shatter down I feel disappointed I cry I feel lonely

Stage 4: I try to understand I start finding my fault I start thinking on improvements

Stage 5: I try to be strong and decide not to show him my love

Stage 6: Back to Stage 1

Until one day

Stage 7: I walked away from this loneliness

You’re my light

I was living in my deepest fears when you walked into my life. When you called me that noon, I saw my savior in you from this darkness. I heard your voice and I truly smiled in months. I lied to you for being fine and happy but I knew you are going to pull me up from this mud when you asked If I am speaking the truth.

You told me you’re heartbroken and in a heartbeat, I wanted to hug you to let you know I am there by your side. For a minute I forgot that I live in a prison of sorrow, all I wanted was to ease your pain and listen you laugh. I wanted to crush the girl who dared to give you this pain. I wondered how can someone leave you who has such a good heart. You told me you truly loved the girl and I felt jealous. Jealousy reminded me that I have different feelings in me then sadness.

You said I am very close to you and I saw someone standing far away in the night coming to take me to the light. I wanted to pour out my heart but this cage of pain pulled me. You disconnected the call and I felt like this never-ending journey of darkness and pain finally may have an end.

Yes, I fear

I sit here in my balcony with swollen eyes. It is been more than 48 hours since I slept. I know I should sleep but something in me tells me not to. I don’t know the definition of heartbreak but I feel fear.

I fear sleeping for what I may see in my dreams. I fear of waking up to the reality. I have always been a daydreamer but  now my dreams haunt me. All that I dreamt of, all that I thought of is terrifying me. I fear of being left alone. I was always told I have too many friends but now I am left with none. I always believed in not sharing my problems with anyone but now I feel trapped. I am living in a cage with fear all around. You’ll see me laughing, smiling, cracking jokes for now I feel not more than an animal in a zoo, living in a cage making others happy.

I fear of feeling worthless. I fear that I am not important to anyone. I fear that I have no one to pour my heart out. I meet different people but I do not find the one who can understand my sadness behind this fake smile. They still find me cool, happening, stress free for all they know I am strong. I am living in a darkness with fear all around. My eyes search for someone who can see a part of this darkness. I want to share my fears, my darkness, my pain but only if I can find you.

Yes, I fear.

One day

WHEN