Rejected AGAIN and this is 100th time. Yes and now I am used to getting rejected. In fact now I enjoy the whole process, going up, spending several hours and then ‘Rejected’. At least I have something to do on some days. There is pain in my heart, tears start rushing to my eyes to roll down as fast they can. But now I am strong I make sure that these selfish tears don’t get what they want. I make sure they come to the eyes but do not have the pleasure to roll down. Why will these so called tears get to roll down and I can only have sadness around me. The pain in my heart is my constant companion now. It knows my fake side very well. I am very positive person and you will never find some one as hopeful as me. By the way, these are part of my fake personality and people love it. All my time is invested in finding the flaws in me but every minute is a waste.
I sit here in my room with pink walls staring at me yet again. They have been with me when I cry out loud, they see me when I lie down and tears roll down. They have seen me taking the road to darkness. My path to this darkness is been slow but only my pink walls have noticed it. They stood silently when I was hungry but this sea of sorrow didn’t allow me to eat. My walls know my fear when I decide to not to sleep. They were their when I woke up from my night mares. They see through me when I pretend to be strong. They acted as a true friend who silently heard my problems, felt my pain, saw me cry and notice my plunge in this darkness.
My walls live in this darkness with me. My only companion in this never ending pain.
Stage 1: I kiss him I touch him I want to love him I wish to hug him tight
Stage 2: I expect the same I wish to be loved I wish to be pampered I wish to be his princess
Stage 3: Expectations shatter down I feel disappointed I cry I feel lonely
Stage 4: I try to understand I start finding my fault I start thinking on improvements
Stage 5: I try to be strong and decide not to show him my love
Stage 6: Back to Stage 1
Until one day
Stage 7: I walked away from this loneliness
I was living in my deepest fears when you walked into my life. When you called me that noon, I saw my savior in you from this darkness.I heard your voice and I truly smiled in months. I lied to you for being fine and happy but I knew you are going to pull me up from this mud when you asked If I am speaking the truth.
You told me you’re heartbroken and in a heartbeat I wanted to hug you to let you know I am there by your side. For a minute I forgot that I live in a prison of sorrow, all I wanted was to ease your pain and listen you laugh. I wanted to crush the girl who dared to give you this pain. I wondered how can someone leave you who has such a good heart. You told me you truly loved the girl and I felt jealous. Jealousy reminded me that I have different feelings in me then sadness.
You said I am very close to you and I saw someone standing far away in the night coming to take me to the light. I wanted to pour out my heart but this cage of pain pulled me. You disconnected the call and I felt like this never ending journey of darkness and pain may have an end.
I sit here in my balcony with swollen eyes. It is been more than 48 hours since I slept. I know I should sleep but something in me tells me not to. I don’t know the definition of heartbreak but I feel fear.
I fear sleeping for what I may see in my dreams. I fear of waking up to the reality. I have always been a daydreamer but now my dreams haunt me. All that I dreamt of, all that I thought of is terrifying me. I fear of being left alone. I was always told I have too many friends but now I am left with none. I always believed in not sharing my problems with anyone but now I feel trapped. I am living in a cage with fear all around. You’ll see me laughing, smiling, cracking jokes for now I feel not more than an animal in a zoo, living in a cage making others happy.
I fear of feeling worthless. I fear that I am not important to anyone. I fear that I have no one to pour my heart out. I meet different people but I do not find the one who can understand my sadness behind this fake smile. They still find me cool, happening, stress free for all they know I am strong. I am living in a darkness with fear all around. My eyes search for someone who can see a part of this darkness. I want to share my fears, my darkness, my pain but only if I can find you.
Yes, I fear.
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